An Apology to the Women I've Slut Shamed

Yes, I used to be that girl. That girl that tutted at the sight of "too much" cleavage. That girl that tore other women down. That girl that hated herself because she'd been taught to. And yes, I was wrong.

As a young teenage girl 

I'd barely heard of 

feminism.

As a young teenage girl I'd barely heard of feminism. I had no opinion of it because I didn't know enough about it. Although I have incredibly supportive parents and an extremely hard working and strong mother to look up to, I struggled with sexism for most of my teenage years. Actually, I'll go one further than that - I contributed to sexism.

"Why am I, a fourteen year

 old girl, sexualising 

women?"

At age fourteen I'd see pictures of girls my age online and shake my head in shame if I seen the sliver of a breast. "What are these 14 year old girls thinking, sexualising themselves?" I'd ask myself. The real question I should have been asking is "Why am I, a fourteen year old girl, sexualising women?". Just think about that - at fourteen years old I was already shaming and sexualising other women. How would I ever learn to respect myself if I couldn't learn to respect other women? 

It took me a long time to realise that what I was doing was wrong, yet I'm sure deep down inside of me I knew it the whole time. I'm sure most teenage girls are familiar with the scenario of turning up to school one morning to be called "slut" and "whore" over fictional events someone made up about their weekend activities when, in reality, they'd spent that time in their room watching Disney movies. I know it happened to me a lot. I ended up with a lot of gruesome nicknames in high school, but the ones I've never been able to shake off are "fat arse" and "ghetto booty". I'm sure I don't even need to explain just how wrong those nicknames are. So what did I do in the face of this shaming? I laughed it off, I made it a joke. I thought it then wouldn't affect me, and just tried to forget about the fact I went to my bed crying almost every school night. At the same time I'd point fingers at other girls, trying to police what they wore or what they done in an attempt to protect them from being shamed like I was. Yet I was just another voice contributing to the shaming.

Yet I was just another 

voice contributing to 

the shaming.

I ended up dropping out of school and, although I had many reasons, the bullying and shaming I faced on a daily basis were one of the biggest. I lost a lot of weight when I left school, dropping from a size 12 to a 6 in under a year in an attempt to lose the "bigger" body I was bullied for. I think it's important for me to state here that the weight loss did not make me feel one bit better about my body.

When I left school I ended up wearing baggy clothes most of the time, feeling superior for covering up as opposed to stripping off. "Why do girls want that attention from men?" I'd ask myself. Then one day, it clicked.

I was out in a bar wearing a loose-fitting dress picked out especially for the occasion. Whilst queuing at the bar, my head pointed at the floor as to not attract attention, the boy behind squeezed my bum and spun me round to face him. Although things like that had happened to me before, that is when it finally clicked. It didn't matter what I'd wore. It didn't matter how I acted. It didn't even matter what I wanted. It happened anyway. It wasn't women's clothing or actions that were the problem, it was the people sexualising us. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to realise that. When I look back at my younger self, it saddens me to realise how deep rooted my misogyny was
.

Now when I cover up, it

isn't to conceal the sight of

my body from men.

My wardrobe has went through a bit of a makeover since then. I now wear clothes based on what I like and enjoy - not others. Now when I cover up it isn't to conceal the sight of my body from men. I feel no shame in wearing clothes that show off my body, and now when I see girls sporting a high skirt or a low cut top my first thought is on how great they look.

Women aren't a "broken

lock" and men aren't a

"master key" when it comes

to sex life.

I'm ashamed of parts of the person I used to be, but I guess there's always room for growth in all of us. I am in no way a perfect person. I make mistakes, but I'm always striving to be as good as just one person can be. It saddens me that women are still shamed for so much stuff that a men aren't: clothing choice, being angry, enjoying sex... Women's bodies weren't created to be covered up or dressed down whenever it's deemed "correct" by society. Women being emotional aren't just "on their period" or "going through a phase". Women aren't a "broken lock" and men aren't a "master key" when it comes to sex life. Yet so many people still hold these kind of views when it comes to women.

To all the women out there that

I have "slut shamed", I'm sorry.

I was wrong.

My teenage self may not have understood this, but I do now. To all the women out there - be you a classmate, a face in the street or a celebrity online - that I have slut shamed, I'm sorry. I was wrong.